They say that when you got something to say to someone, sometimes writing it down as a letter first is a good idea. This way you can think through what you need to say and perhaps not even send the letter at all.
The two key differences in this situation is that 1) I don’t think I would regret anything I need to say as if it’s real enough to be said, it’s real enough to be felt and thus true at one point of time. 2) I’m writing this all down now in November 2013, but I feel you’ll eventually come across it. In a few months, in a year, or even longer.
This is the same feeling that encouraged me to keep a birthday card written to you exactly a two years ago in 2012 when I was out in the city celebrating another friend’s birthday who shares the same date of the 22nd.
I remember debating for the first twenty days of November if I should even make contact with you and how I should do it. That’s when I just had the thought, I would keep a card with me, and if I ran into you, then it was meant to happen, if not , then at least I can say I tried. That was when I realised what was important to me, keeping that promise that I would never completely leave, I would just be further away. I would always care unconditionally, regardless of anything else.
Truth be told, I’ve never had the highest image of myself, but one thing I treasure is my use of written and spoken communication, and my character and vaules. Everything I said to you while as friends, while together and after we split, I did honestly mean. As you started to drift and other people came and went, I learned that nothing and no one is promised. Things, people, circumstances change and the world goes on. But as we both know, I’m not like everyone else.
If I couldn’t keep my promises, then what worth were my words?. I would be giving them out in the future knowing very well they would be depreciating and deteriorating from the moment they left my lips.So if it wasn’t for you, my attempts to reach out to you on your past birthdays, was for me.
That’s how my thought process went. You may see it as desperate attempts to ‘get you back’ but I gave up on that notion long ago when I realised I was becoming someone else. The intense feelings of isolation and loneliness after we split really forced me to get to know myself before getting to know new people. For a long while I felt like a mixed puzzle of paradoxical pieces, interests, characteristics, but as I got older, I learned that it’s ok to be who you are, because somewhere out there in the world, you fit in.
As the natural comedian and prankster in me would do, I wrote you the card I did.
What I never expected was to actually give it to you. I remember getting on the bus and remembering I had it in my in pocket. I laughed to myself at how ridiculous the idea was, like a plot pulled from a generic romantic comedy. I chuckled at the thought for about 10 seconds before looking out the window on my right to see you standing there. The very same spot I ever saw you in 2005 at Fort Minor. At that moment, life really did feel like it was scripted. The unfortunate similarity was that the look in your eyes made me feel like as much of a stranger to you at that moment as I actually was that night 7 years ago before we had properly met.
I asked the bus driver to let me off and from there the adrenaline kicked in and I don’t even really remember the rest. It’s hard to explain, but how the whole event transpired from thinking about it previously, envisioning it, and it actually taking place. It has to be more than a ‘coincidence’ that everything so perfectly lined up. I was worried you would think I was following you, when in reality the only thing I was following my own heart and intuition. The chance to make someone I care about smile on their birthday.
Read this blog, and you’ll know that this isn’t just what I want from you, but from everyone I meet, and the world. I’ve had some rough rough times, but I’m getting closer and closer to finding myself and fulfillment. Writing being one of those ways, along with a few other talents.
So here is to hoping you find this one day, and if I do still cross your mind, know I’m still out there and you still cross mine.
If you have have found this post then you have found my blog and I assume will be surprised and glad to see how much I have changed for the better. I wouldn’t ask for anything more than to just know the same about you. I honestly hope you grew into the person you wanted to be, and most of all, that you’re happy and safe doing what you are doing, where ever you are and who ever you are with.
That is the meaning of caring for someone unconditionally. Society, jaded friends, and your experiences dating since me, have perhaps made you believe that unconditional care from ‘an ex’ doesn’t exist. It’s rare, but it does exist. I’m rare, and I exist.
Of course I don’t always feel you deserve my concern, and since you i’ve met girls who I can’t even remember the names of now. But you’ll always have that special place for the influence and role you had in my life.
You introduced me to so many of the good things in life, and the best parts of me. Even by leaving, you allowed me to rediscover myself, new people, interests, and a level of strength I didn’t know I had, despite all my gym work.
I’ll be in the Pacific Islands when you read this, RANDOM! (Got a temporary job through a Aus government developmental initiative, putting my education to a positive use ). I’m probably in the stomach of a whale by now, but I’m not asking you to come save me. I’m not asking for any sympathy or even a reply of any sort.
Just keep smiling 🙂