My last post was entitled Month 3: Spring is coming. Despite my intentions to regularly document this chapter of my life, another 3 months have passed and Summer is well on its way.
Still, it’s better late than never.
As little grey hairs start to sprout from my scalp, I’m holding onto this mantra tighter than ever and taking it with me as far as I can into the new year.
This post eventually started as a few notes drawn into the sand. At the time I was sitting in my ‘secret’ cave at Coogee beach – which is located close to the widely known, Bondi Beach. It was the second time I had been there that weekend, with plenty more visits to come.
Accommodation and companionship were provided by a quite new, but close, friend. We met at a Batyr workshop. From there, our conversations dived to the depths, bypassing all superficialities. Scuba divers and sunbathers look at the ocean completely differently. I say we’re two drivers that had been swimming solo until now.
Further down the beach, crowds cover every spare inch of sand. I wonder about them, but they have no idea I’m here. I reminisce about my bridge back home and the way I would stare up at the hundreds speeding past above. The sound of the ocean also tugs at my heartstrings where my time in Tonga remains wrapped and treasured.
There’s something special about these elusive viewpoints… In more ways than one, a different perspective is exactly that.
It feels good. Natural beauty, combined with the time to just be, is truly therapeutic. It’s only when we have a chance to hold it, that we grasp just how precious of a gift the present moment is.
With the year coming to an end, this moment is an oddly scheduled pit-stop in the race of 2015. Actually, the year has been more like a malfunctioning vehicle heading downhill. I’m the driver, strapped in and scared, with no idea of where I’ll end up. That’s anxiety – feeling like both feet are down on the gas while both hands are simultaneously pulling the handbrake.
But somewhere, I regained control. And here I am suavely skidding into 2016.
Last year’s bumps in the road are so far in my rearview (heart palpitations, re-adapting after a year overseas, job searching, melancholy moods, the stress of packing up my life, adjusting to a new city, housemate issues, being evicted, and finding decent accommodation.)
Unfortunately, I’m just as far from everyone and everything that I liked and loved. On Facebook, I see lives going on and memories being made without me. Just by the sound of their voice, I can tell my parents are ageing.
I’m getting older too, but I feel like a child at times – teary eyed in the backseat, waving it all goodbye. Standing amongst that crowd also is the person I once was… and liked. Perhaps even loved.
I’ve had identity issues ever since I was young. This year I’ll continue to work on them. A description I have is of one’s sense of self being a string that ties them to certain people and places… You can only physically move so far away before it snaps.
My previous posts prove that I wanted all this. However…
As desirable as a blank page is, we forget that starting again means exactly that – starting again. It means being, feeling, and facing – emptiness.
It wasn’t easy at first, but the good news is that the vacancy is starting to be filled like an old motel getting a surge of holiday traffic. I’ve made new friends, but also welcomed some back – people that I first met 5 and even 15 years ago before losing contact! The surprises haven’t just been people; they’ve been in opportunities and experiences.
In summary, things are going alright.
There’s a choice. You can focus on what’s missing or what’s to gain.
I just noticed something is missing. This wouldn’t be a New Year’s post without a mention of resolutions. Symbolised by the tattoo I got during my birthday visit to Brisbane (designed by Hanna), mine is to simply do my best to grow and flourish, regardless of where I find myself.
I hope you can join me as I dig into 2016.
How’s your year been? Feel free to comment below
I loved this post Ricky, not just because it is beautifully written, but also because I related to so much of it. …the feeling of meeting those that make you feel like you aren’t no longer lone diver in a vast sea, the feeling of being that lone diver trying to move on and make new starts and watching the once familiar land get smaller and smaller as you disappear into the unknown with knowing but a hunch you need to go that direction, and the metaphor of driving with both feet on the gas but no hands on the steering wheel – I know all those feelings well.
But like you, I’m also moving more suavely into 2016. This past year was pretty difficult for me, and I didn’t quite see it coming being 2014 was one of the best years I’ve ever had. I had hoped the momentum would carry on, but instaed, this past year, it was one thing after the other to confront, or let go of. It felt like my entire being got completely scattered around and mixed up this year …but for good reason …so I could take the pieces that are the most me, and start reshaping them.
I’m in the beginning stages of that reshaping. I’m not really sure what it’s going to turn out to be either. But, my mantra right now is to go towards what brings me Joy and to focus on moving forward and not looking back and holding on so tight all the time.
Cheers Ricky! Psyched to be on this ride with you,
– Girl under the bridge ;o)
Love it.
When I wonder why I write, I remember that it’s that only way that people like you have come into my life 🙂