Ground to grow

I sat in this very spot a two months ago,  heavy hearted and hating myself. My recent hiking trip in Nepal  —while exhausting at the time — had left me rejuvenated and ready to approach life with more zest. However, things unraveled before I could properly tighten my grasp.

What worried me wasn’t what would become of my bank balance, but rather my losing myself and my sense of spirit. That intangible force that keeps one striving towards the future and greater heights.

Two months later, I’m back on better terms. I rode the ebbs and flows and have managed to close that chapter. I’ve come so far in such a short amount of time. I’m starting to gain control over the health issues that have been holding me back from my full potential:  a deviated septum — resulting in sleep apnea; and a neurological condition known as ADD (attention deficit disorder). Where I once thought ADD was found in children who flipped tables and bit their classmates, I’m learning that it’s a condition that often goes undiagnosed in adults. It impairs one’s ability to maintain extended focus, resulting in headaches and sheer exhaustion — often referred to as ‘brain fog’. It affects a whole range of the brain’s important functions, making regular, ‘routine life’, additionally challenging.

Rather than running circles with blood tests and unnecessary specialist appointments, I feel I could have investigated ADD earlier. To be completely honest, it feels tragic that it wasn’t picked up given my school report cards which I’ve recently acquired to pass onto my psychiatrist. This feeling of regret isn’t helped by the fact that I’m nearing 30 either. But we can only start from where we are. My only life goal to tick off before then is to simply become a more compassionate person towards myself.

I’m not where I thought I would be, but I know there’s much ground ahead of me to cover.

“You don’t punish yourself for where you find yourself if you want to go further in the direction of healing, you do not chastise yourself for wherever you happen to be along the road. You don’t berate yourself for not having got there faster.” – Dr Gabor Mate.”

PS – I plan to delve into the process of recognising my ADD symptoms and getting diagnosed in an upcoming YouTube video so stay tuned.  In the meantime, here’s a helpful video. You can also visit the amazing /add subreddit community.

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