Its been a long while since I’ve found myself interested in any girls. But before that sentence is taking out of context, i should probably define what interest is.
I’ve learned it’s highly individual. Experiences shape how we experience. My first experience with any girl was a long term relationship which I got highly emotionally involved in. What I thought came easy, was something a lot of people struggled to maintain or find. A relationship , connection, desire, pull. All the ingredients of chemistry.
It may have been because she was her, or because her was just a she, someone that was willing to want me the same way I wanted them. Some relationships are based on this, some go much deeper. A truth only a honest conversation can reveal.
Since then, I’ve been able to stand on my own two feet. While there is no one to catch me at every instance I stumble, I hold my own balance pretty well. I have my own interests, hobbies, friends and most of fall, am extremely comfortable spending time alone.
Being human, I do have that void and need. The difficulty has been defining what would fill it.
Over the years I’ve had girls come and go. Mostly for a few weeks or nights. It was never something I’ve done before. As a ‘new’ experience, you can imagine how its been shaped by my previous experience which was a proper longer term relationship.
Personally , being a emotionally driven and deep person, It doesn’t compare.
I am aware of modern social notions and norms, Sex in the City ,Jersey Shore , MTV Music Videos, pick up culture etc, but I had my own reasons for trying the lifestyle. I felt convinced I could ‘act’ the part.
Have a physical connection as an easy way of getting an emotional one.
Deep down the ongoing failed attempts lack of emotional responses have encouraged me to look at what is really going on here.
I want the rainbow without the rain, and that’s just not how it works. The experience of a proper connection and intimacy comes as a complete season with risks and rewards after other changes in the climate of your relationship have taken place.
This means getting to know someone and letting them get to know you over time. Letting things naturally heat up. Even if you’re not out looking to spend your life with someone, it doesn’t make this process any less important or rewarding.
I recently met a girl I was hoping to spend sometime with before I left for overseas. I used this as justification to rush, but deep down I knew she deserved the same respect I promised i would give. Now I fear she has rushed out of my life.
Her past experiences undoubtedly shaping how she saw her experience with me. It would be justified if she assumes “I’m just one of those guys” when this blog tells another, true story.
It’s a wake up to call to be more consistent with my values, even in my sex / relationship life, where looking though the perspective of others if even more important.
I was disappointed with myself, but lessons come in to our lives in many ways, even as people.
To her. – I’ll do right, you stay ripe.