Its been a long while since I’ve found myself interested in any girls. But before that sentence is taking out of context, i should probably define what interest is.
I’ve learned it’s highly individual. Experiences shape how we experience. My first experience with any girl was a long term relationship which I got highly emotionally involved in. What I thought came easy, was something a lot of people struggled to maintain or find. A relationship , connection, desire, pull. All the ingredients of chemistry.
It may have been because she was her, or because her was just a she, someone that was willing to want me the same way I wanted them. Some relationships are based on this, some go much deeper. A truth only a honest conversation can reveal.
Since then, I’ve been able to stand on my own two feet. While there is no one to catch me at every instance I stumble, I hold my own balance pretty well. I have my own interests, hobbies, friends and most of fall, am extremely comfortable spending time alone.
Being human, I do have that void and need. The difficulty has been defining what would fill it.
Over the years I’ve had girls come and go. Mostly for a few weeks or nights. It was never something I’ve done before. As a ‘new’ experience, you can imagine how its been shaped by my previous experience which was a proper longer term relationship.
Personally , being a emotionally driven and deep person, It doesn’t compare.
I am aware of modern social notions and norms, Sex in the City ,Jersey Shore , MTV Music Videos, pick up culture etc, but I had my own reasons for trying the lifestyle. I felt convinced I could ‘act’ the part.
Have a physical connection as an easy way of getting an emotional one.
Deep down the ongoing failed attempts lack of emotional responses have encouraged me to look at what is really going on here.
I want the rainbow without the rain, and that’s just not how it works. The experience of a proper connection and intimacy comes as a complete season with risks and rewards after other changes in the climate of your relationship have taken place.
This means getting to know someone and letting them get to know you over time. Letting things naturally heat up. Even if you’re not out looking to spend your life with someone, it doesn’t make this process any less important or rewarding.
I recently met a girl I was hoping to spend sometime with before I left for overseas. I used this as justification to rush, but deep down I knew she deserved the same respect I promised i would give. Now I fear she has rushed out of my life.
Her past experiences undoubtedly shaping how she saw her experience with me. It would be justified if she assumes “I’m just one of those guys” when this blog tells another, true story.
It’s a wake up to call to be more consistent with my values, even in my sex / relationship life, where looking though the perspective of others if even more important.
I was disappointed with myself, but lessons come in to our lives in many ways, even as people.
To her. – I’ll do right, you stay ripe.
That is a very honest and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing that but most of all, thank you for putting it out there. I think this is something guys out there (and gals too) should read.
“The experience of a proper connection and intimacy comes as a complete season with risks and rewards after other changes in the climate of your relationship have taken place.” Beautifully put. It is so important in a relationship to make the time to get to know the other person. Really KNOW. To understand that it wont be all rosy and special and romantic; that there will be tough truths, harsh realities..that these someone build not just the individual’s character but also make the relationship stronger. Open up, give it a try, give it a chance. See it grow, see yourself grow.
I think we all have that void and need. It is the most human thing. But we try to fill it in way, with people and things that do nothing to help us. They curb our growth, sometimes we fall off. It is about being ok and content in these moments. Comfortable with these moment of solitude (and loneliness). And I think, not just men, but women too make poor choices in these moments. A mixture of faith, gratitude and support of friends and family has been the winning formula for me.
Glad this is a lesson you were able to learn. Giving every connect the respect and time that it deserves. Not all of us do this, not all of us know..not all of us care. I wish we all would just try.
I have been here before. I spent many many many years trying to figure out how to unlock myself from the emotional shackles that bound me from being able to connect with someone after my long term relationship many years ago. By the time I found someone that I could connect with, but could also force my insecurities to the surface by requesting honesty and in return providing support and understanding it was 5 years later, but the journey was far from over, one by one I had to deal with my insecurities and each time I doubted myself, them and the world I had to muster the courage to focus on my faith. I’m not at a stage where I can fully see the effect of all this climbing but it is obvious to the people surrounding me that now I am a much more stable person, don’t forget your heart is a muscle too. It is scary letting someone in again, but what’s worse is to have someone in your life that could be your sunshine until the day you leave this world, or possibly longer depending on your religious views, and you don’t give them the opportunity to know who you really are deep inside.
Trust in yourself and who you are. Loving yourself without ego or fear creates a powerful magnet. I’ll leave you for the rest my dear friend…
I would rather be alone, than feel pressured to not be myself simply to sustain a relationship. Its amazing how its such a common concept but there are so many takes / motivations as to why people are in them.
My breakup was a rough blow, but I’m thankful for it, i was also glad i wasn’t ‘jaded’ least i thought. Till I was put in situations where girls came into my life ( you included) and i would just close off. Also feel threatened.. even tho I have close male / female friends. So being open /close to people isn’t the issue, it’s the extended level of trust / openness / access that comes with a relationship.
Now, older, wiser. I have totally different outlook on what a relationship is. It’s not an obligation to wear a veil of flawlessness / perfection that hides who you really are. Its perfectly being who you are, and expressing how you feel. Knowing the other person accepts that, and most of all appreciates the fact of how much you trust them / are honest.
Or maybe I have just watched Shrek too many times.