It took a few hours, but we eventually reached the summit of Mt Kosciuszko, Australia’s highest point. The view was well worth the trek. With the addition of campfires and good company, it was a great way to spend the Easter break. Unfortunately my holiday high was short-lived. I came crashing down with the news that my employment contact won’t be renewed after its one year term.
From very uneasy beginnings, things have really turned around over the last 10 months – which only made the impact more intense. First on the scene was a victim mentality. Pointing out how my life revolves around a narrative of making sacrifices and starting over.
But, I am proud of the effort I’ve put in. My enthusiasm grew with the challenges I faced. I anticipated good things ahead in both my work and personal life.
Now I’m not so sure. For most, their main concern would be their financial security. I worry, but I don’t fear going broke. I fear breaking. I fear slipping, like a silk glove, back into those feelings of melancholy that pummel like clenched fists until I admit defeat.
Uncertainty is never easy to digest, but I’m taking it well – condoled by a conscience at ease. This was beyond my control. Funding issues are part of the non-profit industry; I did what I could.
I expected more, but just like Tonga, this has been a great life experience. From living in one area my whole life, I’ve since crossed oceans and state boundaries, so I know how vast and full of possibly the world is. Part of me is… excited!
But picking up and leaving isn’t that easy. It comes with saying goodbye – something I’m not ready for. Not yet last least. Just like in Tonga, it was hard arriving as a stranger, and it will be harder leaving as a friend to a good number of wonderful people.
As for me? As suggested, instead of running to the ‘next thing’, I might take some time to reflect on the last 10 months.
I already recognise that I don’t need a job were I make a difference; I need a job that allows me to make a difference. I want to take my ‘passion projects’ more seriously from here on.
From connecting with others (online and in person), I’ve learned that I’m not alone in doing so. I’m not the only one trying deliver that ‘something more’. An unsung song of sorts that we hum under our breath but dare not take to the stage. Simply embarking on this mission doesn’t ensure completion, but there’s certainly no shortage of company.
As repeated as it is, it’s all about perspective. We can set our gaze on what we’re getting further away from or closer towards. I do believe there’s something ahead.
Determination and delusion are both adequate fuel sources. We just have to keep keeping on. While worrying less about what’s over the horizon, and more about our very next step.
Ricky, great post & life update. Loved the part about the unsung song but dare not take the stage.
I’ve been contemplating similar insights lately. Yesterday I dedicated 1 hour to free-writing with the intention of de-cluttering some thoughts and feelings. Soon, I began to examine my perspective. Words began to flow out that revealed I’ve been obsessing with what’s on the horizon, putting weight after weight onto my shoulders as if the pressure and expectations will help me to see it clearer. I have also spent a lot of my energy fixated on how to improve what I’ve dreamed unfinished failures of the past, that I hardly have been enjoying the beauty of the present moment or trying new things. Upon realizing this is where my perspective has been parked for quite some time now, I proceeded to spend the rest of the free-writing session writing about what I’m grateful for these days, and what I am doing to bring more light and joy into my life, rather than focusing on how to remove the dark.
Funny how it’s so obvious. You don’t bring more light into your life by trying to remove the dark. The shadows fade in the midsts of the light. Joy & Love trumps all.
I’m excited for you and this next chapter. I’m excited to see how you begin taking your passion projects more seriously and to see what unsung songs you begin to bellow out. I’ll be happily dancing to it. Keep me posted on the specifics will ya :o)
Sending you LOVE from the USofA,
– Lauren 🙂
Great article Ricky, wishing you all the best from over here in Malta! Stay strong!
Thanks for stopping by. I’ll have to admit, I had to look up where Malta is. Looks beautiful! If I can ask, how did you come across my blog?