I haven’t written in three weeks. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I have. I’ve noticed that when things get tough, the lid gets tighter, I press down that little bit harder, and then something breaks. That can either be you, or the bottle that holds all your feelings, emotions and bullshit.
I’ve gone from being up with the sun to clinging to the moon, begging it to not to leave me for another day where I have to live with my situation (check previous post about losing my job). What was worse than the initial situation, was what I was really in fear of all along. My reaction. I feared it would be too much for me and it almost was getting the better of me. Days spent riding the merry go round of negativity in my own mind, popping the balloons of my future plans or just letting go of them all together. Sitting in my momo pj’s at 1pm while eating milo right out of the tin because I might feel bad for stealing my housemates milo again when even though I have all the time in the world to go to the shops. That would leave me less time to stress and worry, in this circus of self pity.
Then things changed. Be it the support of friends/family, i’m so lucky to have. Or finding out a family friend had not only lost his job, but found out he also has cancer. Or even the 1hour spent at the local welfare office, watching people who will never experience the improved reality that I know in due time, I will once again be living, with such appreciation for all the hard work I put in to get there. I decided to let go off the future and grab a hold of today.
From there, my first thought in the morning was, what will make today a good day? Replacing the, ‘This again, and it will be this again for the next 2 months’. I was all about the process and left the outcome in the hands of my potential employers. I had a responsibility to do the best I could with my applications and interviews, and they had theirs to select the person they feel best suited for the job.
The phone has been ringing, the sun has been shining, birds are making their racket while im trying to working on applications and developing my worth to employers, but in the next moment , anything can happen.