I’ve had this referral for a few weeks now. I’ve seen a psychologist in the past but with great friends, a strong spiritual practice, a portion of every night looking at the stars, and an unbreakable determination to find a sanctuary within, I’ve been able to hold things together. What has also helped is coming to the realisation that I was comparing my behind the scenes footage to the highlight reels of everyone elses life. I just preformed my first stand up comedy gig 3 hours ago tonight to a room full of my friends and strangers. They laughed and applauded me, even going as far as asking when I will be back on stage again. But they don’t know that just as natural as my sense of humor are the times where I’m forcing a smile. Just like my battles take place in the shadows, I know many others feel forced to march to the silent war drum of their thoughts. There are others who go through and have been through a lot worse. Their strength gives me strength, and I hope to one day see a world where people are more comfortable expressing than hiding themselves.
Just like the strength of others gives me strength, tonight making a room of people happy, gave me a level of happiness and a focus on the present moment that has been absent from my life for so long, that it felt completely new. For the future, it’s definitely going to be a feeling I’m going to chase. However, yesterday I didn’t even feel remotely excited about my performance, but I’m glad I went ahead with it. I know everyone is stuck in their own maze with many possible/ different exits, but all I can say is when it feels like joy won’t be found at any of them, take a chance and you might just find your remedy.